Yipppeeee!!!!

I'm having a happy (but not necessarily good, as in the good behavior) moment. Actually, it's more of vindication with a slight sense of satisfaction. What the heck am I talking about? Let's just say that (although I really didn't hear anything but, still...) people just might realize I'm not being difficult.

change

I was in second year high school (oops! Did I just reveal my age?) when Benigno Aquino was shot. It was a sunday afternoon and during one local shows (I want to believe I had forgotten the show! hehehehe) when the news was flashed on the screen. I know of Benigno Aquino as Ferdinand Marcos' political arch-enemy but that was just about it. I was then, I guess, too much engrossed with my TV shows and books that I had no inclination to think beyond my make-believe world. A lot of things started to happen after that event. Political turmoil, economic depression and changes were occurring left and right. After two years, people power happened. I was already a senior but, still, I was not that interested. I mean, yeah, there was a change in leadership and all but, it didn't really affect me personally so I would just leave it at that.

Now, as the entire nation buries former President Corazon C. Aquino, I realized that I had missed so much. Blame it on youth wasted on the young; blame it on immaturity; blame it on mis-perception; or just blame it on me.

Seeing the immeasurable amount of love heaped upon the former president made me think of how I lived my life so far. Will my eventual end bring about such over pouring of emotion? Or people will just look at my body with stoically and turned away?

It's time to change. It's time to change for good.

Oh Boy! Oh Boy!

Oh boy! Oh boy! I just allowed my temper to get the better of me today!!! First thing in the morning at that!!!!

I'm not sure if SOMEBODY UP THERE is testing my patience and, by golly gee, I failed big time today! Maybe it's the irritation of actually going out of the house half an hour earlier than usual and arrived at work 10 minutes LATE! Maybe it's the deep-rooted irritation towards a person who's still acting immaturely when you're in a hurry to accomplish a task. Maybe it's the irritation of being amassed with work that's not part of your job description. Maybe it's the irritation of having to control my temper when I just want to explode!

sunday afternoon

I had what I call a lazy day. I woke up very late (well, compared to my usual time, trust me when I SAY VERY LATE) and just let the minutes ticked by with nary a thought or worry. Can I call it a stress-free day? Well, not exactly, because when I'm in an idle mode, I'm prone to think and that's dangerous to my mental health. I tend to go to analyzing the what have beens and what should have beens. I know that I should be grateful with what life has blessed me and I really do appreciate everything but somehow when I look at the people and things happening around me, make me wonder about what if I did that or what if I chose that... the works!

Mid Year Resolution

I finally decided to resolve this thingy that has been bugging me.....


I know I already sound like a broken CD but I resolved to acquire a pachydermal approach. Instead of racking my brains on where did I do wrong, I'd rather spend my time enjoying my life. Thank you very much!

?

For the past couple of days, people have been chastisizing me on how I manage my finances. Why did I have to take a vacation when I should have saved the money instead? There's no need to buy a new phone.... Why do I always joke about asking for money?

Ok, I know that money is very important. But, in the truest sense of its relevance, can money really buy what we really want? I'm not justifying my expenses but I am just about this close in shouting SHUT UP ALREADY! I did not ask for any vacation funds nor did I beg for my phone.

Ok, I get the picture on saving for rainy days. I may not have the 7 figures bank balance or what have you, but I am very much aware of that.

I just wish that these people instead of criticizing my every actions, they should look at themselves and maybe, just maybe, they could stifle the urge to crash the mirror into smithereens.

Know Who Your Friends Are.....

One of the things that really dampens my spirit is to know what kind of a person a friend truly is. Trust is one thing that I don't give easily but once I entrust it a to another, it is supposed to be for life. To have that treasured trust thrown carelessly back at your face is something I can NEVER EVER forgive and forget. I can present a civil and polite mask to that person but, deep inside, that trust would never be given again. No more heart-to-heart talks. No more glimpse of the real me. No more trust.

Letting Go

How can I let go of something I've believed for so long?
Is it possible for my heart to sing another song?
Will there be a happily ever after for me?
Can I allow myself to dream again?

I have been so used to having you by my side
We've been through a lot, the ups and the downs
But the ways things are right now between us
Maybe, it's time to let you go and let myself free

This is not easy now and will never be
You've been a big part of me
But reality is telling us it's time
You have your life and I have mine

Letting you go will break my heart into pieces
Letting me go will bring me back
I have to understand the pain for me to bring back
Who I am and who I must be

The choice is made by the circumstance
My choice is made by fate
It's time to let go
It's time for us to go

It's Not Always You But....

Again, I really do believe I need to consult a psychotherapist. Not because I'm having a psychotic attack (or whatever it's called) but because I don't seem to know myself. For almost all my life, I have always been castigating myself whenever bad things happen to me or to people around me. I always automatically put the blame on myself. Yeah, quite unbelievable, isn't it? But, I always carry the burden, not wholeheartedly, but it appears that I just think I cause the pain. Why? I don't know!!!

Brat

I'm having a "bratty" moment..... I let go of my resolution to be a good and just show this person how annoyed I am with her. Hopefully, the facial expression and the almost shouting tone of my voice are enough to make her feel just how I am "amused" with her.... Hopefully, I won't have to articulate what I am feeling because if I have to... I can very well say the words she wouldn't want to hear EVER in her entire life!

Tomorrow

For the longest time, I've been harping and nagging myself (and majority of the people I can to talk to! hehehehe) that I need a vacation BAD and FAST. I think I have a very ugly case of burnt-out and I so desperately need to be anywhere BUT HERE! Well, finally, I'll be getting what I have been wishing for... The sun will definitely come out TOMORROW!!!

Should I or should I not

I really, really, really like to do something but there are factors that somehow make me a bit hesitant...

Whoa!!!!

Oh boy! Oh boy! And I actually believe that I have the authority on being paranoid!!!! Goodness!!!! I must say, I'm a bit shocked!!! There's a person more paranoid than I am!!!!! Unbelievable!!!!!

Just because she saw me talking with her immediate superior, she thought we were, how would you put, gossiping on her absence from work the other day. DUH!?!? I didn't even bother to ask why she wasn't around that day and, now, she really believed I'm interested?!? AGAIN, DUH?!?

Funny really how people think so much of only themselves!!!!!

But from what I know of her, she's not that bad of a person. Maybe she has been hearing things.... and, come to think of it, I really don't care because when she believed those lies, what's the point of maintaining a friendship. Pointless, useless, meaningless....

WHATEVER!!!!

I really try to be a good person... HONEST!!! but, it's so d*** frustrating because my sincerity was always misconstrued, misinterpreted, and mistaken to be another thing. Ok! So, I have this folly of putting my foot in my mouth... Hey! It's not as if I have the major stake on that. DO NAME ME A PERSON WHO SAYS ALL THE RIGHT THINGS EVERYTIME! Seriously, people, stop being hypocrites!!! You people can lambast others with such delicious glee and I can't even say anything negative at all!!! DUH!!! Worst of all, I can't even call a person, Ma'am?!? Because that person read it as me wanting to be called Ma'am in return?!? DUH!?! ARE YOU PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR PUNY MINDS?

I really try to chalk up all these things as your typical workplace intrigues. I guess, they really are but somehow your immature antics just irritate the hell out of me. I just don't get it why you people operate on envy with such gusto. There are times that I SO WANT TO CREATE AN INTRICATE WEB FOR YOU PEOPLE TO FALL but, don't worry, I WON'T STOOP TO YOUR DEGRADING LEVEL. I may have a short fuse of a temper but I wont' waste it on you. Gossip all you want. Insult all you want. Malign all you want. I may show cracks once in a while but I won't break down. So, when the time comes all of these things backfire on you, there will be a hint of smirk and muffled "Loser!"

Happy Easter

In about 90 minutes (give or take), we'll be celebrating Easter... Supposedly, we had finished our reflection and had taken a good stock of our lives spent... Weelll, I'm not exactly sure if I had done that the last couple of days... So what did I do?

Aside from non-stop sleeping (oh well, I did wake up and eat and took showers and stuff! hehehehe), I have been trying to figure out what I should to be start living... I mean, being 40 and all.. (ooops!)

I know I should change a lot of things in my life, namely my at-times uncontrollable temper which had proven to be incredibly troublesome but what I cannot figure out is to how start the change. I know I am soiunding like a broken record already but it seems like there's always a wall (high and thick) which hinders me from actually getting to where I want to be. Now I am sounding like a cheesy love song!

What I am so sure of is that it's a lot, lot easier to tell people how to go about their lives that me actually living my life.

muffled thoughts #16

This was definitely an exhausting day, but, somehow, I felt really good. Why? Because, I actually (hehehe) believed that I managed to accomplish something! HA!

eeeeewwwwww!!!!!!

From what I know of myself, I'm not the showy, touchy and feely type of a person. As much as possible, I would rather stay in a corner (preferably abandoned) and study the comings and goings of the people around me especially when they're of the unfamiliar kind. I'm not saying that after more three years, I still don't feel comfortable with this group of people. It's just that I had erected a defensive shield (similar to what protected camp big falcon from the never-ending bozanian invasions!) SO high that sometimes, I, myself, am in a complete loss as to how to get over it.

Going back, I'm not trying to get into the good graces of anybody (well, technically, no, because that wasn't my intention although I'm sure others would just love to think otherwise!). All I'm doing is to fulfill the obligations and duties (be it of any kind) that is required of me. I have to admit though that there (A LOT OF) times these actions make me wanna go EEEEEWWWWWW! Still, I have to do what I must do because that is how I was brought up.

When Patience is no longer a virtue

HAH!!!!! Don't get me wrong! I am very much aware that I'm in the service-oriented environment. I must always bear in my mind that patience is virtue when it comes to dealing with unreasonable, difficult, and they-believe-to-be-gods clients. But, sometimes, these so-called superior beings need to be pulled down from their self-erected pedestal and give them a tongue-lashing they WILL NEVER FORGET AS LONG AS THEY LIVE!

and they live selfishly ever after....

Once upon a time, there were a boy and a girl who were instant friends the moment they met. They became close to the point that people around them swore a romance was brewing. But, something went wrong... Maybe it was a case of proximity breeds contempt or maybe it was a clash of similar personality or maybe, whatever!

Going back to the story, the once best of friends became the worst of enemies... every word uttered and action taken were thoroughly scrutinized and analyzed for any malicious intent which I honestly believe, most of time, were figments of their over-excitable imagination.

Then this incident happened. The girl committed a careless mistake which the boy had to correct. Now, they're in a (shall i say, silly) dilemma... They both wanted the easy way out not for themselves (separately, of course!) and not for the common good. I'm not sure when this misundertanding (I am trying to be nice, after all) will end but, one thing is crystal clear, THEY'RE BOTH SELFISH!!!!

OMG!!!!

I think I am slowly going out of my mind.....

I just don't get how some of the people around me think... If I react to something, I became an arrogant fool, BUT, if I keep my opinions to myself, I'm branded an unfeeling jerk... OMG!!! Where in the world should I turn to?!?

Is it really just ME?!? Did I really change that much? for the bad and worst?!?

But, then again, if they're really true to me, instead of giving me the cold shoulder (whenever they feel like it!), why don't they simply be honest to me?!? Don't I even deserve that much (or less)?!?

I'm so tired of trying to adapt, adjust and give in to their fickle whims and unreasonable tantrums. Don't get me wrong, I'm liable to transform myself but I try to follow something my parents taught me, if I'm about to say something negative, better keep it to myself because there is absolutely no way I can take back spoken words, whether it's unintentional or otherwise.

AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! If only it's morally acdeptable for me to scream BLOODY MURDER to these people!!!!!!

Leaving Yesterday Behind

During the 1980's, there was a song that really fits the current situation of a person who's close to me....

"So now I'm leavin' yesterday behind
And fin'lly I've made up my mind
So let the mem'ries stay away
And think about today
I'm leavin' yesterday behind
'Cause now I'll try to live my life once more
The way I did before"

I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to finally make THE decision but I do really commend him for taking the first step. His life wasn't easy nor as rosy as what others would like to believe. Living alone in the other side of world from your family and betrayed by the one person he'd believed he would spend the rest of his life with weren't exactly what we would hope to find along the greener pastures.

Whatever plans he might still be forming for the future, I want to reassure him that there are a lot of people who truly care for him and would always stick by his side no matter what.

Generation Gap

Don't get me wrong, I'm not referring to the so-called generation gap between parents and children... I'm talking about the gap between generations, well, my generation and the now generation, to be exact.

Like in the work environment, people before were more helpful and sincere, nowadays, more of the co-workers are more concerned on what they will gain from helping you, etc.

Bad, Bad Girl

I am sorry.

I really don't know what came over me today.... okay... I think I have an inkling why I did what I did. In a way, I was conducting my own test on how the people around me would react and if I can actually foresee how they would react. Well, it was sort of successful because they reacted how I saw them did in my mind. But I felt bad. I felt so bad for "manipulating" them. It was bad, bad, bad of me.

Random Thoughts

I'm not sure how this started.... but I think that there is something wrong with me....

Maybe, I did change as some people would say... or maybe, I'm just being true to myself... I really don't know....

coffee

it's a common knowledge or should i say belief that coffee, well, actually, it's the caffeine, serves as an effective stimulant. Well, maybe I'm already immune to it, but i always yawn (as in EVERYTIME) after i drink BLACK coffee.

slow

I'm not sure if it's because this is the first day back to work after a long vacation, or is it because I didn't get my morning fix or is it because its me?