sigh....

my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my back hurts, my feet hurt.... i'm getting old!!!!!

lotsa bear

yeah, yeah, i know lotsa bear is the antagonist here (toy story 3, i mean), but my heart goes out to the poor guy. look, woody and buzz have the gang, lotsa bear lost his bestfriend... the poor little bear felt betrayed and that is one emotion i believe no one would like to feel EVEN ONCE in his/her lifetime... in order to mask the hurt, he changed into an unfeeling and manipulative little b****, ehem, bear i mean... not that i'm justifying his evil schemes but lets try to understand where he's coming from... OMG!!!! i'm analyzing the pscyhe of an animated bear!?!?! hahahahahahaha

square one

i just realized that before i can actually move forward, i have to go back to square one. i have to return to my former self before i can really understand the new me.

right or wrong

it's amazing... in fact, it boggles my mind... believing yourself to be right is not a crime. the question there is, how sure are you that right is REALLY right and not ACTUALLY wrong?

mutability

Mutability
Percy Bysshe Shelley


We are as clouds that veil the midnight moon;
How restlessly they speed, and gleam, and quiver,
Streaking the darkness radiantly! -yet soon
Night closes round, and they are lost for ever:

Or like forgotten lyres, whose dissonant strings
Give various response to each varying blast,
To whose frail frame no second motion brings
One mood or modulation like the last.

We rest. -- A dream has power to poison sleep;
We rise. -- One wandering thought pollutes the day;
We feel, conceive or reason, laugh or weep;
Embrace fond woe, or cast our cares away:

It is the same! -- For, be it joy or sorrow,
The path of its departure still is free:
Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow;
Nought may endure but Mutablilty.

~~~~~

I know that. In fact, I believe that. But, somehow, the knowledge that everything changes in a split of a second makes me really scared.... Maybe because of.... I know it's time to move on and let go... but....

vindication

revenge is supposed to be sweet.... feeling vindicated is supposed to be exhilirating... but, now that people are beginning to realize I was not making up stories or badmouthing... the satisfaction has somewhat diminished... don't get me wrong, I still appreciate people saying that I was right all along. what i don't like is the negativity that goes with it. don't get me wrong, i still don't like them but i don't want to wish something bad on them. contradictions galore!

funny! funny! funny!

this is so precious! i just made a really stupid mistake!!!!! no excuse there... hahahahahaha

appearances

a character in a tv series once said, "we are ignorant of the things we don't see." how true! how true! how can we can rightfully judge a person or understand a situation when we don't know all the factors involved. instead of being a know-it-all, we, especially me, should stop for a while and try to look for the relevant information. even though, your comments may have been said in jest, it could still be hurtful.

small things

i always believed that major things could change the world, well, i sat corrected... it's the small things that served as a catalyst to change... yes, it's the small things that can make me cry... it's the small things that can make me see the truth... it's the small things...

a new beginning

This is going to be SO hard.... But, then, I don't have a choice but to go forward.... Life... ugh.... why is it this hard? Anyway, I have made a conscious decision to let go of the negativity and surge toward the future with positivity and a smile (bedimpled at that! hehehe)....

crossroad

I have no idea why it happened and when it happened but it appears that I have changed. Be it for good or worse, I can't really tell. But, for some people whom I actually believed to know me, they can't seem to put the old me and the new me together. I do wonder, was I the one who changed or they're the one who changed. Come to think of it, it doesn't really matter at all. As selfish as it may sound, I'm more concerned with myself. I have been relying so long on my rock that that I had lost track of what I wanted to do. I became so complacent that everything will be just there waiting for me to start doing then that I had forgotten that nobody waits for anybody in this world. Harsh, but, oh so true!

Ok, I promise myself that this will the last time I would be writing about this.... It does hurt so much to have your trust thrown back at your face so carelessly. Anything you say would be misconstrued and your actions misinterpreted. It has become so tiresome to explain yourself and pretend that you're somebody else JUST to give in to somebody's else whims. Sometimes I do question if I really had a friend at all. I don't question the 'user-friendly' aspect of the relationship but to be treated SO like a lowly individual... It does make me want to REGRET all the time a-wasted. Ok so I'm not THAT nice or presentable ENOUGH or financially-awesome... and if that's all you're after, SORRY, M'DEAR, BUT THIS IS WHO I AM... TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE...

Going back to myself, maybe its the age thing but I'm not as brave with change as I was years ago... Not I'm saying that I'm not afraid at all, it's just that I was more impulsive... Now, I'm so not comfortable with the unfamiliar that I purposely avoid them. But, now.... it seems I have no choice but to embrace them...

A lot of things occurred, a lot of changes happened.. they opened my eyes to the new things (although i think most of them were already there but I just ignored them). I must welcome the new things and sift through the old ones. Time to make those change... NOW