ten months

ten months ago, i decided to step out
it was more of a necessity
lest i go insane

it wasn't easy but i had to hold on
physically tiring and mentally draining
but, most of all, my emotions were teethering on the edge

i had to keep on trying
even if i so want to give up
i had to stay no matter what

i had wasted half of my life
giving to my fear of the unknown
change was something totally unacceptable

how i am now, slowly feeling my way
i am starting to enjoy my day
with a few kinks here and there

grip

i am losing my grip on hope
i am at loss for dreams
i have no idea what to think
i just want to disappear

i feel such a failure
i had so much faith in myself
but my reflection is mocking me
and it hurts to see what i had not achieved

is it possible for me to turn things around
can i change the course of my life
will it be acceptable for everybody
if i turned the other way

i really don't want to feel this emptiness
that had already gnawed away part of my heart
i so wished for the light to show me the right path
maybe then i can smile again

crack

i have fears and insecurities
just like everybody else
but i'm never comfortable to display them
for all to see

must be how i was brought up
or it could be just how i am
i need to be strong and firm
even when i felt shattered into million pieces

pain, it seems is here to stay
and i'm beginning to crack
the pressure is overwhelming
and my grip is loosening

will i be able to keep on hoping
can i stifle my cries for help
time is moving on and so i must also be
but how long can i hold on

colors

i need to dream
not just the kind in your sleep
but the one t hat could lift you up
from the mires of misery

but for some reason though
i couldn't find the colors
that can draw the picture
of how i want my life to be

do blue skies really mean peace
or silver linings really hide behind the clouds?
do rainbows really appear after the rain
or sun shines as bright as the hope in my heart?

i wish so hard every night
that the morning will be a fresh start
where i can plan the future
with a lightness in my being

watching over me

there are times i do wonder
when all of these will end
will i ever be free of burden
and can breathe again?

not that i don't welcome problems
becuase i know God will take care of me
but when impossibility appears to be inevitable
can my reflection still smile back at me?

i am now choked with responsibilites
real and make believe
i don't see myself moving forward
i don't have the energy

maybe one day i can look back
and laugh hard at all of these
but until that day comes
i need to remember angels are watching over me

clarification

contrary to an assumption (hopefully, it wasn't circulated), my post, dated dec. 20, 2004 and entitled "it's nothing personal" was not about anybody I know since high school. i do understand, however, why it was construed as such but i don't want to be misunderstood again (oh yes!).

muffled thoughts #15

When I was a lot younger (hehehe), adults would often tell me, "wait until you get to the real world."

Okay, I guess I’m here now…. So, this is the real world. Come to think of it, there’s not much difference between this real world and my world. Well, except for the fact the people in my world act mainly on their impulses and, in this real world, every action has an ulterior motive.

It’s been ages (I have stopped counting when I reached my 5th year! Hahahaha) since I joined the real world but I still haven’t adapted to it’s dog-eat-dog environment. I guess, I’m too much of a dreamer. I’m still a believer of happy endings (oh yes, at my age! Hahahaha) so I couldn’t find the guts to intentionally inflict harm, emotionally or physically, on other people.

Hopefully, the day will come when people would just stop thinking only of themselves and start loving others as they love themselves. Oh yeah, I forgot! I live in the real world….

muffled thoughts #14

I heard somewhere that "life is like a soap opera" and i found myself nodding my head vigorously.... as corny as it may sound, my life (well, it could be.... pagpilitan ko ba talaga? hahahaha) can be one especially with all the sub-plots that have been cropping up from nowhere. ;)

I guess, for some people, they would say that i'm exaggerating. i mean, what earth-shatterring problems would i be facing? well, on the contrary, for those people who know me, they would understand.

FRUSTRATING MUCH!

Yesterday, I went out and did a bit of shopping expedition for work clothes. Weeellllll, there are only two words to describe the experience that could be otherwise fun.... FRUSTRATING MUCH!!!!!!! How come? Have all men shrank or something? Why is it the only size available is SMALL?!? Hello?!?

Ok, maybe its a wake-up call for me to go on a diet and that's also another FRUSTRATING MUCH! hehehehe

muffled thoughts #13

I know that death is an eventuality that everyone, including me, will have to deal with but when it happens suddenly, it is still unsettling. I guess, it would take a very long time, and most probably never, for me to easily accept it (and i think it also goes to everybody, too).

Updated List of My Comfort Food #1

~ Plain M&M's

~ Hershey's Mallow Blast Orange Flavor

~ Sprite Ice

~ Better that Ice Cream's Pistachio Flavor

~ ChocNut

~ Jollibee Coffee Jelly Iced Craze

~ Tasty Porkchop Rice

~ Goldilock's Double Dutch Slice

~ Hizon's Mocha Birthday Cake

My To-Do List for 2006

~ finish reading A Tale of Two Cities (after, would you believe, 15 years I never went past the line "....these are the best of times, these are the worst of times..."?!? Will I ever?!?)

~ dye my hair (if I could only overcome my fear of change and other things! hehehehe)

~ watch and read the Lord of the Rings trilogy (so I could actually understand what the big fuss is all about!)

~ remember to always keep my mouth shut (WHATEVER! hehehehe)

~ go to a spa (can I go everyday? please...... )

~ post more of my muddled and not-so-muddled thoughts (the question there should be is, can i stay awake and conscious past 5pm? hahahaha)

~ write the ending of my fanfic (i really wonder if that's possible at all! hahahaha)

~ always be thankful and be aware of my blessings (unfortunately, most of them I don't deserve......AMEN to that!)

~ stop focusing on negative thoughts (believe it or not, i actually believe i'm getting there! ;))

~ clean my room (there are times that we must accept what will never be! hahahaha)

~ let go and move on(unfortunately, both parties should agree...)

to Espie

For years, and more so now, people have been carrying a not-so-good impression of you. It is as if you had a hand on every hurtful and malicious comment uttered or whispered or, yes even, wrote about. Fine, you're not an angel but the rest of world aren't exactly saints. I guess, it's easier to point an accusing finger than handle the truth as you see it.

Maybe you need to smile more or maybe you need not express your opinions about a person directly to his/her face or maybe people can just stop judging you without trying to know you first...

Happy Birthday! My wish for you this year is for you to enjoy one PERFECT DAY. It may not happen on Jan. 21 but you will know when it does. Life is what we make it to be and you're one person who's not afraid to face reality no matter how hard it bites.