Last Song Syndrome

A couple of weeks back, I got to listen to Carrie Underwood's cover of "Could've Been" during the American Idol Semi-Finals. After that time, I just can't get the song out of my head. It keeps on playing over and over and over and I unconsciously sing along with it. Maybe I was reflecting on a lot of "could've beens"? hehehehehehehe

muffled thoughts #03

A while back, a couple of words were associated with my person, "kindred spirits" and "paranoia."

I do know the saying, "no man is an island," and I do believe that it is an impossibility for a person to not need anyone at some point in his life. But I do have my (unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you would look at it, more than) fair share of battles (hey, I have been attempting to discover my purpose in life for the past years, so, naturally, there have been a lot of differences, misunderstanding and utter chaos in my life along the way) and when it comes to the inevitable confrontations, I can stand on my own, thank you very much. I am not denying nor belittling the support that my so-called kindred spirits willingly offer and extend to me. However, I definitely won’t nor intentionally influence anybody to take my side. It’s really sad to be accused of brainwashing people to be my friends, especially when those who were actively doing the finger pointing didn’t have an iota of a clue as to who I am.

Admittedly, I am not a social person and I do prefer to stay within the solitary confines of my shell instead of going out and be all bubbly and friendly. Only a handful of people can say with all honesty that they know me and that’s only those whom I allow. Thus, I find it an insult not only to me personally but also to my alleged kindred spirits. Why can’t these people just shut their sanctimonious mouths and step down from their pedestal of self-righteousness? Then, maybe their view of what reality is will be clearer that way. Sometimes, the accusations you carelessly hurl at others may well be the very ones you have been hiding from all your life.

Okay, at some point, I did become paranoid. Well, who wouldn’t be when every word you said and those you didn’t even think of saying were all misconstrued to be liberally laced with malice? All my views had been tagged as wicked and it wouldn’t be a surprise if I had been referred to as THE bitch. Strong language? Maybe….. But the pitying looks weren’t exactly pitiful and the commiseration wasn’t at all sympathetic. I had been proclaimed as the most evil person to my face.

For a while, I did give in to self-pity. It wasn’t easy when you got shot continuously at all four corners. You’d be inclined to think the worst of everybody and everything as well. But, luckily for me, my so-called kindred spirits never leave me alone to drown on my supposed sorrows. With a lot of patience and a number of magic tricks up their sleeves, they had managed to pry open my eyes to the truth that I need not trouble myself with how these people perceived me to be, as long as the people that matter know the real me. I need not worry myself on how these people will react to what I say or do, as long as the people that matter can see what it is really in my heart. Reputation, still, is important, of course, but I won’t waste my time anymore trying to please those people who never give chances to others. Let them lock themselves away in their puny cell of self-importance while I stretch out my wings as far as I can.

It may sound strange to some but I’m actually grateful to these people. In their misguided way, they have given me the rare chance to know myself and my so-called kindred spirits. They may have won the first round but I will win the fight.

muffled thoughts #02

I am scared of change. Ever since I can remember, change is the one thing I avoid at all cost. I am very much aware though that the only thing permanent in this life is change. Still, I can't find the strength to face that reality.

I shiver at the thought. I tremble at the notion. I quiver at the idea. I teeter at the fear.

Now, I am standing at, yet, another crossroad in my life, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can accept what the future will bring.

Yes, I admit I am a coward. I know I am a coward. Trust me, I am a coward.

TANGLED DREAMS

When you're teetering in the mouth
of what appears to be hell,
nothing is more alive
but the beating of your heart.

Regret tastes so real
that you won't notice the tears
generously streaming down your face
and reminding you on what you have been.

Ambitions didn't matter anymore
with damnation holding out its manacles
and, yet, there's a glimmer of hope
with salvation trying to grope out of the dark.

Is it fate or is it man?
Is it a reality or is it a game?
Will I wake from a nightmare
or actually live in a bad dream?

muffled thoughts #01

As far back as I can recall, I've always wanted to write. I am always at my most relaxed whenever I'm holding a pen and a piece of blank paper. It's as if I I am all powerful in creating anything and everything with nary a thought or care to anybody and everybody. For me, the words, sentences and paragraphs I painstakingly and wholeheartedly composed come from my soul. They are the most "me" than anything else in my person. But, then again, it is weird because I'm also at my most uncomfortable when strangers read my thoughts. How would you feel if strangers can see through you?

So, why did I create this blog? Simply because I need an outlet to pour out the pain, the angst and the fear that have been hounding me all these years. I need an outlet to clear my mind of the doubts, the trauma and the confusion that have been misleading me all these years. I need an outlet to unload the sorrow, the emptiness and the burden that have been making me blind all these years.

After almost three months of blogging, the very idea of other people reading my innermost thoughts is still icky, to say the least (hehehehe), but the enveloping lightness around my heart is absolutely worth it. The emotional scars are, indeed, still fresh but the journey to self-acceptance has definitely begun.

not-so-muddled thoughts #04

funny how one can be so brave when faced with the trivialities of life but, at the same time, can be so coward with what matters most....

oh yeah, it's true, trust me.... I KNOW...

Da Vinci Code

I'll probably get shot or cursed for this, but I just don't get it. I don't get why the big fuss over Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code. Brilliant writing aside, it's just a novel. Although it is a successful merger of fact and fiction, I find it extremely odd that people are actually taking it very seriously.

I had read a lot of theories, ranging from the incredible to downright inane, regarding the existence of God. There was even one that explored in depth the possibility of God being an alien.

I think all these hoopla stemmed from the fear of the unknown. We've been taught that God is all-knowing, all-powerful and everywhere, still, no one can really provide any tangible proof. All we have is faith and for some that's just not enough. Thus, people have always been on the look-out for any plausible, but not necessarily logical, explanation. Anything that has a semblance of "truth" is acceptable.

Don't get me wrong, I can't unravel the mystery either. I am as curious as everybody else and I did try to use other means, besides faith, to understand the why, how, what, when and who of life. But, as years passed and with all the lessons from life, I've learned not to question. Instead, I have given my complete and unconditional trust to the Supreme Being who have already mapped out my life but still bestow upon me the freedom to choose whether to stay on His course or otherwise.