muffled thoughts #03

A while back, a couple of words were associated with my person, "kindred spirits" and "paranoia."

I do know the saying, "no man is an island," and I do believe that it is an impossibility for a person to not need anyone at some point in his life. But I do have my (unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you would look at it, more than) fair share of battles (hey, I have been attempting to discover my purpose in life for the past years, so, naturally, there have been a lot of differences, misunderstanding and utter chaos in my life along the way) and when it comes to the inevitable confrontations, I can stand on my own, thank you very much. I am not denying nor belittling the support that my so-called kindred spirits willingly offer and extend to me. However, I definitely won’t nor intentionally influence anybody to take my side. It’s really sad to be accused of brainwashing people to be my friends, especially when those who were actively doing the finger pointing didn’t have an iota of a clue as to who I am.

Admittedly, I am not a social person and I do prefer to stay within the solitary confines of my shell instead of going out and be all bubbly and friendly. Only a handful of people can say with all honesty that they know me and that’s only those whom I allow. Thus, I find it an insult not only to me personally but also to my alleged kindred spirits. Why can’t these people just shut their sanctimonious mouths and step down from their pedestal of self-righteousness? Then, maybe their view of what reality is will be clearer that way. Sometimes, the accusations you carelessly hurl at others may well be the very ones you have been hiding from all your life.

Okay, at some point, I did become paranoid. Well, who wouldn’t be when every word you said and those you didn’t even think of saying were all misconstrued to be liberally laced with malice? All my views had been tagged as wicked and it wouldn’t be a surprise if I had been referred to as THE bitch. Strong language? Maybe….. But the pitying looks weren’t exactly pitiful and the commiseration wasn’t at all sympathetic. I had been proclaimed as the most evil person to my face.

For a while, I did give in to self-pity. It wasn’t easy when you got shot continuously at all four corners. You’d be inclined to think the worst of everybody and everything as well. But, luckily for me, my so-called kindred spirits never leave me alone to drown on my supposed sorrows. With a lot of patience and a number of magic tricks up their sleeves, they had managed to pry open my eyes to the truth that I need not trouble myself with how these people perceived me to be, as long as the people that matter know the real me. I need not worry myself on how these people will react to what I say or do, as long as the people that matter can see what it is really in my heart. Reputation, still, is important, of course, but I won’t waste my time anymore trying to please those people who never give chances to others. Let them lock themselves away in their puny cell of self-importance while I stretch out my wings as far as I can.

It may sound strange to some but I’m actually grateful to these people. In their misguided way, they have given me the rare chance to know myself and my so-called kindred spirits. They may have won the first round but I will win the fight.