serenity

If Only....

Sometimes..... sometimes, even if you're surrounded by a lot of smiling, happy, boisterous crowd, you still feel alone... you still feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, you still feel no one understands you, you still feel as if you don't feel anything at all....

I know I sound so negative.... But this is how I feel, well, sometimes.... Believe me, I try to be Miss Oh Bright and Sunny but I can't stop the clouds from coming.... If only.....

Sometimes....

There's this old song, I believe it was from the original soundtrack of the movie, Fame, that goes like this, "Sometimes, I wonder where I've been, Who I am and Where do I fit in..."  So, true!!!  I do sometimes feel like I don't fit in. In as much as I've tried, at the extent of altering some parts of myself, I still don't.  It's as simple as that, I DON'T.  I've been banging my head on the wall, thinking did i do something or is it just me?  What hurts the most, I guess, is that hearing those words from that one person who I thought could be a potential friend.  Black spider = bad person... not so funny "half-meant" (which you often say yourself, m'dear!) joke... SO YOU REALLY SEE ME AS A BAD PERSON...  ok... if that's how it goes... there it will go.... I'm not saying that I will turn BAD.... All I'm saying is that, ENOUGH ALREADY.... No more fitting in... it it's meant to be that way, then that will be the way I will go.... 

Irony

I honestly don't know how to react and what to react... The very thing that you SO VIOLENTLY CONFRONTED me with is the exact same thing you're doing right now AND THEN SOME.... All I can do now is to just shake my head and look at what you did... Maybe because I don't have the right to do it like you do... BUT.... Oh well, I'll just chalk it to LESSONS LEARNED and put a big red check beside it... THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR SHOWING ME THE DIFFERENCE.... SO DAMNED IRONIC ISN'T IT?

what to do? what to do?

Ok... I am confused.... I am panicking... I am lost.... I have no idea what to do, what I should do, what I must do....

Should I just sit back and go with the flow?  Or should I try to do more?  But, there is nothing more left to do?!?   AHHHHHH!!!!!

Heaven help me, PLEASE!!!!! 

see you soon.....

You were the definition of a friend. No pretensions. No airs. With you, growing up became tolerable. Problems became bearable. Adulthood... I would like to believe we were getting by....

Misunderstood. Misinterpreted. Misconstrued. Judged. That’s who and how you were most of the time. Why? Maybe because people gave more credence to purported first impressions. Maybe because people would rather look with their eyes and listen with their ears instead of making the effort to know you with their hearts. Maybe, just because.... Ironically though, you were the one who continually reminding me not to be judgmental...

More than half of my life, you were always here for me... to knock some sensibility to my obstinacy... to point the difference between red and crimson... to cheer me up when I’m feeling down... and to just banter about the most mundane of topics...

 Oh, we’re not perfect. You had your flaws and so do I. There were days when you’d prefer your own company and so did I. But when one of us called out, the other would be there instantaneously.

And now.... change is inevitable.... this so-called change that is constant.... this so called change that I fear the most...

Nothing can ever prepare us for this. Not a thing can ever do. No one will ever be.

I lost a friend three years ago, and, now, I lost another one....

My faith is telling me that everything happens according to God’s plan and one day we will know that plan. But, I am still asking the questions...

I know there is really no choice but to accept. Accept the reality. Accept the change. Accept.

You had quite a journey, my friend. It was worth your every while and I was fortunate to be a part of it somehow.

Thank you and see you soon.

reflection

For the life of me, I really couldn't understand you. I'm not perfect, you know that, they know that and I KNOW THAT. Then again, SO DO YOU. Why don't you look at yourself on the mirror, I MEAN REALLY LOOK AT YOURSELF. You see all my faults, you have a lot of opinions about me and yes, you do everything right. BUT MY DEAR, DO YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE PERFECT?!? DO YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT EVERYBODY LOVES AND ADORES YOU?!? DO YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN DO NO WRONG?!? At the risk of permanently bursting your balloon.... ah.... eh..... NOBODY'S PERFECT AND THAT INCLUDES YOU. You keep on harping negative things about me... NO, I WON'T DIGNIFY YOUR ACTIONS WITH ANSWERING BACK... I WILL BE JUST PERFECT IF I DO THAT... BUT, ONE LAST REQUEST AS A FRIEND, LOOK AT THE MIRROR CAREFULLY AND CLOSELY.... LOOK AT IT AND LOOK AT YOURSELF... PLEASE!!!!!

沒有咖啡的日子 他們說常常喝咖啡會讓我失眠，心情會一點不平衡， 也許會難過。 可是對我來說， 反應是完全相反的。 如果我不喝咖啡， 我才會失眠， 心情會一些不對勁， 覺得很難過。 尤其是你離開那一天開始。。。。