Day One

Ok, this is the first day of my "new" life.... interesting, really....

did i think only of happy thoughts today?  I believe so... although there were short lapses.. still, I believe I managed to cast them out before they rule me AGAIN!

did i decompose today?  uhmm... i think there was a moment when I was starting to decompose but I believe I managed to compose myself AGAIN!

did i cherish my true friends?  I believe so AGAIN!

She said, She said

One thing's for sure! It's definitely weird to find yourself used as a listening post by the very same person who gave you the cold shoulder and, i'd rather not believed it but my instinct told me otherwise, talked a lot behind my back.

I'm not saying that I don't talk about other people behind their backs.... Hello! Everybody does but I try to follow a family rule that we should avoid, as much as possible, to speak out when it's a negative thought. Why? Because there is absolutely no way we can take back the words once they came out of our mouths. Words are more hurtful than physical blows, believe me!

Anyway, I could call it karma but I'd rather spare her the painful process that I had to go through with her indifference and outright ignorance of my existence for, i think, couple of months or more. I could really laugh at her situation right now and, justifiably, say, now what you know what you've been through but what's the use. I won't feel right about it. I know, I'm a soft-hearted pushover of the worst kind. I can never bear to see anybody who I had considered to be my friend to be so bothered and troubled. Call me stupid but that's how I am as a person.

But, my sympathy and empathy aside, one thing is absolutely clear for me. I don't think it's possible for me to REALLY trust her with my innermost thoughts. Trivial stuff is easy but to open myself again? I don't think that will happen for a very long time to come.

I Said, You Said, They Said

I used to be so affected with other people's perception towards me. I even had a dream before that my face has pore openings bigger that rose flowers and according to a friend who's into dream stuff, it meant that I am so concerned with how other people think.

I'm not sure if I had just learned to accept it, or somehow I reached a stable maturity level or the bitch in me just plain got tired and wanted to hit back. hehehehehe

Don't get me wrong, I am still affected especially when I honestly believed that I'm the wronged party. At the same time, I have mastered the art of smirking.... hehehehehe I'm not really sure how others see my smirk, but for me, I felt a whole lot better (especially with myself), whenever I turned on my smirk mode. I don't give so much weight anymore with what you said or they said, as long as I know what I said.

To Judge or Not To Judge

Before anything else, I ADMIT! I'm guilty of being judgmental and actually NOT PROUD OF IT. I could always point the blame to my upbringing. I mean, everybody around me, has always something to say (unfortunately, most of the time, it's on the negative side of sphere) about everything. I can easily say that I picked up that bad habit. But, I know, that I am (more than!) old enough to be responsible for my actions instead of blaming everything and everything except moi!

Anyway, for some reason, I have always been annoyed by an acquaintance. Anything he says or does irritates the heck out of me, regardless if its good or bad. Maybe, we're on the opposite side of the moon or maybe we're too alike that we clash. OH NO! DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA, PLEASE! Before you can utter, Oh YEAH, OPPOSITES ATTRACT, that will never do unless anybody out there would wish me incarcerated for bloody murder!

Going back to what I am supposed to be writing, this guy has been judging a lot of things lately, mostly personal decisions of other people whom I'm not sure if he even knew them personally at all. I'm not saying that I don't put labels on people, all I'm saying that I don't dare to proclaim my verdict on any issue, especially when it's too controversial for my own good. Why hand over the hammer that others would so love to whack my head with? Besides, the people concerned won't give a damn on my opinions anyway. They strongly believe what they do is right so how would anything I say can make a difference? Likewise, I also believe that I am right so....

We're no longer little kids being smothered with fairy tales, fables and parental control. We have lived (hopefully, we do!) out lives for almost half of the century. Assuming we did, shouldn't our view of life be not confined with what should be but be widened as to accommodate things beyond the realm of our comfort zone?

I think life would be a lot peaceful if we just respect other people. Instead of loudly judging other people, why shouldn't we just give them the personal space they're entitled to. We don't have the right to judge their actions that we may believe could be right or wrong. We're not perfect. We make mistakes. Everybody else does. Let's leave at that.

I am thinking.....

Somebody asked me what in the world did i wrote on my facebook wall.... well, it was in chinese... (actually, it was my way of staying anonymous! hehehehe)....

here's the english translation:

I can never understand people
They never forget even your smallest mistakes,
yet, they completely forgot whatever good you did to them.


At the risk of sounding like a broken record, yes, I'm still hurting. Although, I promise, I'm trying to move on and look at the betrayal as a learning experience (which it is, by the way), but, I still remember disappointment of having your trust thrown back at your face. I know! I know! I should have known better but, I guess, I can't help but try to focus on the good things. YES, I KNOW HOW WRONG THAT WAS! But, then again, these so-called people actually remembered me for being a transformer instead of a attempting to be a friend. Oh well, I guess, life has to go on.....

Looking forward.....

I never really thought that I can feel this excitement about a possible change in my life. Weird.... Trust me, it's really weird. From a person who positively abhors and detest the very idea of change, to say that I'm getting all agog is weird. Maybe, because, subconsciously, I know it's time for that.... Maybe, I've matured somehow after all these years.... Maybe, I'm so fed up already with the inanities of my present situation.... Anyway, whatever is the real reason behind my actually looking forward to this phenomenon (hehehe), I'm quietly cherishing what could possible be my last three months with this group of people who have made me laugh, irritated, amused, angry, rolled my eyes and disheartened.

Maturity

Sometimes I really do wonder if maturity does come with age.... I mean, look at me, instead of making plans for my retirement (hehehehe) and do more constructive and relevant things, I still go gaga over idol dramas, care bears and inanities. To top it all, I still can't control my temper which, of course, lead to numerous misunderstanding and conflicts. Not that I don't think about the future, I do have something brewing, it's just that future is so far away. A lot of things happen under a minute, what more, days, week, months or even years from now. I'd rather live as if it's the last day of my life and enjoy every second of it. So, is it a more sensible thing to say that immaturity comes with age?



*photo courtesy of http://www.plush-toy.co.uk/acatalog/1care-bears-3-pack.jpg

goodbye....

I used to believe that to be liked
I have to set myself aside
and put all of your above else

I used to think that to be liked
I have to block my thoughts
and give in to all your whims

I used to think that to be liked
I have to stop liking myself
unless you like me too

Weelll, that was then and today is now

Now, I like myself
more than anybody else

Now, I cater to my whims
before I even think about yours

Now, I go first before anybody else
and, that, my dear, includes you!




*photo courtesy of openphoto.net

Changing.....

A light bulb in my head sparked today... I had a realization that I am changing.... Is it for the worse or for the better, I honestly have no idea yet.

After being exposed to the "real" world (as others would put it), I have grown a rather thick skin which is actually helpful in fighting off negative vibes although there are times it wears off it's effectivity.... hehehehehe

Going back to my mutation (hehehe), I have learned how to turn my game face on and off at will. People may look at me and say I'm a big (ouch! hehehe) fake. Well, if that's how they perceive my person, it's really no big deal. I can never please them all anyway. Besides, no matter how hard I tried, I can never think like those perfect people nor I can do things like those perfect people because I'm not those perfect people. I guess, I have also grown tired of trying to be liked and ended up being somebody else who I'm definitely not. This time, they would have to learn to accept me for who and what I am and not who they want me to be.

Admittedly, it will still take time for me to get used to this new me, I am starting to enjoy this freedom.

Musings of a Scaredy Cat

I'm now celebrating my 39th birthday.... oh yeah, 1 more year to go and i'll be stepping into a new decade....

No, I'm not scared of getting old although I sometimes get a jolt whenever I picture myself being all alone..... Anyway, getting on biologically is among the least of my worries nowadays... I'm more concerned of what's changing right now...

I'm facing a crossroad, in terms of career choices. Should I stay at where I'm more comfortable or should I go forward and challenge myself (with corresponding higher financial gain, of course)?

It's a weird feeling because, I think I'm beginning to accept that I'll be taking the leap. Every action I take now is always laced with the notion that it's gonna be my last. But, I'm still REALLY scared.

Going back to my opening line, I'm already 39 and I'm not getting any younger.....

Insecurity and Selfishness

It's a sad, sad thing to see people being eat up with insecurity and selfishness that they forget their humanity. Admittedly, I also have my insecurities and I do have my bouts of selfishness but I do try to escape from these traps. Insecurity erodes not only your zest for life but the innate goodness in yourself as well. Selfishness re-focuses your energy to what you want at all cost with nary a thought to what is right.

Fairy Tale

I don't know about you but I grew up thinking that the life is like a fairy tale. If you did something good, you'll be rewarded and every story ends happily ever after.

Well, I'm now actually pushing 40 and, well, I don't see any fairy tale unfolding (yet!).... Not that I'm expecting one because the bubble had already burst, like so 10 years ago, but somehow therein lies STILL a romantic in me. Although I'm not thinking anymore in terms of weddings and stuff (time to get real!), I dream now of a peaceful life (and successful won't be all that bad).

Patience is Virtue

For the longest time this has always been a funny thing for me (please forgive if I had or, most probably, will offend anybody), but I have always say this, Patience is virtue, unfortunately I'm not a virtuous person. Funny right? Admit it, you're laughing yourself sick. Okay, there's a shadow of a smile trying to break free....

Seriously, I really envy those people whose patience runs deeper than the abyss. They can honestly enjoy the luxury of the wait and bask at their ultimate success. Me? Nah..... I'm an antsy person (might come from all those MUGS of coffee I've had?). I want things done RIGHT NOW or NOT AT ALL. Contradicting? Yeah, oxymoronic even! hehehehe

I've tried to be really patient with people, places and things around me. Scout's Honor! I tried to mask any impatience I might be feeling with a smile or I'll just think of some inanities to humor myself. In fairness, it did work FOR A WHILE. The bad thing there is that all the impatience have amassed to such an infinite quantity.

It's so hard not to explode at the slightest provocation (it could be a careless comment, nonchalance or I just happen to not like that person's face at the moment! hehehe) and I honestly believe that I'm starting to develop a personality discorder with all this control.

Happy Ending

With all the horror stories going around, I have started to discount the reality of happy endings. I have been hearing a lot of those tragic happenings that the idea of perfect life has become an impossible dream.

Maybe it's the fear talking or maybe it's the ignorance taking over but would it be so incredibly stupid of a person to enter into what have become hellish experiences to a lot of people I know very well. I know that I should not lose the idealistic side of my person, but, hey, it would be only difficult, but extremely difficult to remain positive amidst all the negative aura swirling around me. On the other hand, I should not endeavor to sustain whatever positive energy I might still have because it is the only thing that will help survive.

Hopefully, someday, I can see with my eyes that happy ending can still be a reality and I can feel their smiles not just see them.

Words to Live By

I was watching a news on item on cable regarding the First Lady of new Taiwanese President. She visited a school and was happily playing with the children. Before she left, she advised the children never forget these words and liberally use them, "Please", "Thank You" and "Sorry."

As simple as these words may sound, they are by far the most important words in any language.

WHATEVER!!!!

Most of the time, I'm so beyond amazement on the intricate workings of the human minds, well, except for my mind because it usually does not do what it supposed to do.

Although I must admit I'm also guilty on that regard a lot of times (I do try not to commit the same crime ever again!), I can't help but shake my hand at the incredible assumption people make about me. Well, I'm guess I'm not crowned as the most misinterpreted, misconstrued and all the other possible mis-ses in the world for the nothing. Again, I've trying rocking my brains and going back to all the things I've said or done that could have led to a particular assumption on me. Goodness! All I did was to follow an order from higher-up and now I'll be going on a long vacation?!? As Ellen DeGeneres would say it her show, "What?!?"

Whew!!! This is a very delicious gossip if it wasn't about me! hehehehe Seriously, I don't have an iota of an idea as to what instigated this fantastic assumption. Oh well, I guess, I should take it as a good sign that I'll probably go on A VERY LONG VACATION in the near future!

I'm not angry nor irritated nor agitated, not even itsy, bitsy, teensy, weensy trace of annoyance. Honestly, I'm more of bewildered and in awe of their powers of deduction. Goodness, and I actually believed I'm smart!

When it's so much fun to just laugh.....

I've been trying to think of something interesting and witty to write for the last couple of days. I've been typing and deleting, then type and delete again. It has become such an easy way out for me to tell myself, I'll probably come up with something tomorrow. Well, that's not going to happen tonight... I will type anything that will come to mind and it won't be such a big deal for me if it does not make any sense. Whatever makes sense to me does not necessarily makes sense to you and vice versa.

I've always been taught that if everything else fails, laugh. It may sound, well, come to think of it, it does sound crazy. But, it works for me.

I don't know why but I always manage to put myself in such a fix that I suffer so much from migraine attacks and bouts of indigestion. I even got myself diagnosed with stomach flu although I'm still not even sure if there is such a sickness but that's what I heard from my doctor and I'm not saying otherwise!

Anyway, it was such a torture to have your head felt like cracking up with pain every sunday nights. Yes, I have regular migraine attacks every sunday night for almost 10 years. It can be from the mildest of discomfort to have all the rock bands in the world having a concert inside your head, specifically on only one side of your head. I've avoided taking pain killer as much as I can because I don't want to develop addiction of any kind but, lately, I decided to not make myself suffer and take whenever an ordinary massage can't help.

Okay, so why sunday nights in particular? I think, maybe because tomorrow is Monday, the start of work week... Seriously, it's exhausting to manage a business when the economy is not exactly bright and rosy. (This was exactly when I confirmed why I so dislike to study anything connected with Commerce in college, but, then again, that's exactly what my college degree is! hehehe) It's also the same case when I seeked employment elsewhere. Monday was such a depressing thought for me that my head began to throb with pain with the sun sets every Sunday.

Now, why do I say that laughter is the best medicine? Somehow, laughter is what got me through the migraine attacks and the bouts with indigestion. Laughter has effective erased whatever angst I may have with my life. Laughter has taught me to deal with people who are as difficult as me. In a nutshell, laughter has allowed me to live my life.

I can laugh at anything, or should I say that I'm learning now to focus more on the humorous side of life instead of emphasizing on the negative aspect. It can be a mere thought of a song, a place, a scene from a tv series, my nephew's naughty antics or basically what humor I can find from anything.

Laughter is the best medicine, not only for the physical sickness but for my emotional and mental well-being. I may give in to a frown here and there but at the end of the day I'll be having a goofy smile that says that everything's just fine.

Bonding Time

Quality time with family is really something that can't be bought with the most valued currency or with the most precious stones. At the risk of sounding too idealistic (yeah, there's a bit of it left somewhere... hehehehe), I felt the veracity of the statement, "money can't buy you everything."

One doesn't need to go to expensive restaurants or to go on grand tours to be able to bond with your family. All that is needed is the love in your hearts and the rest will follow naturally.

A simple trip to the mall and an hour of chatting about everything and anything important and inanities are enough to make me feel how lucky and loved I am!

我是中國人

Today is the 8th day of the 8th month of year 2008 and, officially, at 8:00pm tonight, the Summer Olympics games had opened at Beijing, China.

Watching the ceremony on TV (how I wished I was right there in person!), it made me so proud to be Chinese. It's not the amount of money spent on the production or how colorful and magnificent the fireworks were or how jaw-dropping the performances were. It's the realization that China has come a long way and what an incredible journey it was.

Not for Sensitive Skin

Disclaimer: No, this is not in any way connected to anything dermatological in nature.

Take away the irritation, annoyance and frustration, I should be extremely grateful to my so-called "friends" who had intentionally (or, hopefully, unintentionally) misconstrued my every action and misinterpreted my every word. Their "concern" has helped me develop an immunity to anything and everything not nice thus curing me from that uncomfortable state of having sensitive skin.

Oh yes, I suffered so much, well, mostly, emotionally, with my sensitive skin before. I was so incredibly sensitive back then that I used to cry (oh yes, I did shed all those tears, believe me!) at the slightest provocation.

Fortunately for me, I had help with my "treatment." Real friends who never withdrew their support, family who never lessened their life and time who never forced me to face life head on until it's right for me to do so.